Friday, January 26, 2007

You're All on Notice

Animate and Inanimate Objects that are Officially on Notice


Blogger fiddlers: You know who you are. You post something, usually long, and Bloglines alerts me that you've updated. Cool. I read it.

20 minutes later and lo and behold, Bloglines alerts me that you have a new post. I go and read it, only to discover that it's the same post, except you changed a colon to a semi-colon and re-published it.

15 minutes later, a new post. I know better, but I check anyway. This goes on and on and on. Fiddler! A pox on your house! Stop fiddling! None of you are ever going to win a Pulitzer. Hit it and quit it.

Blogger: Blogger, you're definitely on notice. For the love of Jebus, stop telling me that I can switch to the new Blogger. I can't. If everyone can't switch yet, DO NOT FUCKING USE "Hey, it's ready for you to switch now!" as your default greeting. It is most fucking definitely not ready for me to switch now.

Stop lying to me, Blogger, you fucking tease. I will kick your ever-loving free ass if you continue this.

Barack Obama: For the love of all that is holy, get out of the way, let Hillary run and lose miserably, and then run in 2012. You have a shot at winning the whole enchilada. Stop listening to whatever clown is telling you that you should run this cycle, bide your time, and do the smart thing.

Also consider changing your name to "Bill Powers".

Rex Grossman:
You singlehandedly kept me from winning a couple of different football pools this year, as you would inevitably flail when I picked the Bears to win, then pass for 2,373 yards when I picked the Bears to flail.

I have no money riding on the outcome but if you somehow pilot the Bears to a victory, against all odds, I will pay Kyle Orton to smother you with his beard.

Anyone involved with Chase Bank:
You're all on notice, every last single one of you. Why I continue to do business with you, I do not know. You consistently screw up even the simplest of banking matters, all the while slipping in the most ridiculous charges in the world.

$74 fucking dollars for new business checks, of which I use approximately four a year, due to the wonders of electronic banking? Are you kidding me? And when I ask you, you tell me it's because of the binder book they come in? Is it fucking plated with gold, underneath the plastic cover?


Slow turners:
You're in the right hand lane, turning right, have your signal on, and there's nothing obstructing your progress, whatsoever. I mean nothing. It's like a huge flat empty expanse of Antarctica, with nothing obscuring the horizon.

You start to turn, yet somehow manage to brake at the same time, maintaining the tiniest fraction of forward momentum, turning, turning, carefully, so carefully, with only the sheer mass of your car inching your forward as you glacially, painfully complete your turn and finally get the fuck out of my way.

Why? No, really. There's nothing there. Once you complete your turn, you usually resume a normal rate of forward momentum. WHAT IS IT ABOUT TURNING THAT REQUIRES YOU TO VIRTUALLY STOP? IT IS NOT AN EITHER OR SITUATION, DUE TO THE MECHANICAL WONDERS OF THE HORSELESS CARRIAGE!


Acronyms: Seriously, what good have acronyms ever done you? Fuck all acronyms. Count up all of the times where acronyms are actually useful, and a common shortcut that saves you time, on a regular basis. You've probably got fingers left over.

Now count up all the ridiculous acronyms you've supposed to manage at work, which not only don't make your job any easier, but actively make it more difficult. Divide that number by three and it still dwarfs the entire population of useful acronyms.

Fuck all acronyms.

Q.E.D.


(I've actually had a really good couple of weeks. Amazing what getting my ass into gear and getting stuff done will do, as far as improving ones mindset.)

(Edit: Err, yeah. So it actually did let me switch, literally 15 minutes after denying me the chance to, right after I banged out the above post. And now I'm fiddling. Fiddling and lying. Whee.)

5 comments:

CarmenSinCity said...

Sounds like you are having a GREAT day. I'm glad you were able to get all of that off your chest :)

Div said...

How about Max Power for Barack? If it works for Homer...

PS Now you've switched yo uneed to go through your entire blog and give every post a label.

Ignatious said...

best rant i've read in awhile.

kurokitty said...

Next time you decide to rant, you may wish to consider putting a pic of that dependable rat up there. For the rest of us. LOL

HighOnPoker said...

I don't know if you've resolved it yet, but I had the same problem with New Blogger until I figured out the problem. Try Republishing your entire blog. You'll probably get an error. Click the details link and it'll tell you what post is the problem. For me, it was some random old You Decide post that had 250+ comments (spammer bastards -- although I'm not sure if that was why it couldn't republish). I erased that post, re-tried and suddenly, I'm on New Blogger. GL.