Dear Husband Who Got No Loving on Valentine's Day,
Thank you for your recent purchase from FTD.COM.
Despite our best efforts to schedule your delivery as requested, we're unable to deliver your order by Valentine's Day. We sincerely apologize for the disappointment this may cause. Your FTD.COM order has been canceled and a refund has been posted to your credit card.
If you are interested in rescheduling a delivery for after Valentine's Day, we
would be happy to assist you. If you choose to do so, we would like to offer
you a 5% discount on your next order.
Thank you for shopping with FTD.COM.
This is apparently the best they can muster, and even this response came after repeated attempts on my part to get an answer of some sort, as far as where the hell my wife's flowers are, and was received yesterday.
No shit, assmonkeys, you weren't able to deliver the order by Valentine's Day? I wouldn't have guessed that. My wife not receiving the flowers didn't tip me off, at all, that you weren't able to deliver them.
And what are these "best efforts" of which ye speak? You took my money, charged my credit card, and then did absolutely nothing. Attempts to call you about the order resulted in an automated message telling me that due to the holiday volume, you couldn't confirm any delivery orders. Which is what the customer service agent repeated to me, when I waded through 172 different automated prompts and waited twenty minutes on hold to finally speak to. You finally get back to me, three business days later, to let me know you weren't able to deliver the flowers I ordered for Valentine's Day.
Thanks for refunding my money, though. Very generous of you.
And thanks for the offer of a 5% discount on my next order. Nothing smoothes over ruffled customer feathers like offering a token discount on products that are horribly overpriced to begin with.
Your business savvy and generosity embiggens my heart. I'm going to recommend to all my friends that they use you in the future when they want to ensure non-delivery of flowers to their loved ones.