Clone a Monkey Inc.

No, really. The only way I'll ever completely catch up on everything that needs doing is through a combination of monkey clones and an old-school sweatshop, complete with consumption-ridden, knock-kneed eight year old street urchins with Cockney accents, slaving away, grinding out poker bonuses for me.

Guess what time it is? Time for me to give away free money, for no reason whatsoever, other than to encouraging all of you poker blogging fools to think deeply and be funny. Each winner gets $25 deposited into the poker account of their choice.


The Deep Thinker Award in Poker Blogging: April 2005

-EV at A Fool and His Money

Despite a brief abandonment of the virtual tables early in the month, -EV came through strong with solid posts on table selection, finding the fish, and the Hold 'Em Player 5 minute Guide to Razz.


The Laugh Yo' Monkey Ass Off Award in Poker Blogging: April 2005

Al at AlCan'tHang

SoCo-fueled hijinks + occasional MonkeyBoy sightings = good time fun. BoyGenius definitely gets an assist, though, as the email exchange positing desert island survival tactics and the relative merits of Jessica Simpson versus Catherine Bach (dude, Catherine Bach > Jessica Simpson, hands down) is a classic.

Nice work, gentleman, and congratulations. Either leave me a comment with your screenname at a player-to-player transfer-friendly poker site or shoot me an email at scurvydog@tptk.com with the same info to collect yo' winnings.


I'd been on a nice little sportsbetting run until last night, when the Illini let me down. My gut was telling me to go with Carolina but I couldn't resist Illinois +3. Stupid gut.

HumanHead had the very brilliant suggestion of making card protectors, with my new-found welding skillz. Which I think could be pretty amusing, given what you normally see. I mean yeah, sure, most of the ones you can buy are slick, professionally done, engraved with logos and what-not, but there's gotta be funny stuff I could do. I could pretty easily cut out some spade symbols, out of 3/8 polished steel, which would be pretty cool looking methinks. Or a 2-D hammer, in profile. Hmm.

I sat down for a quick hit and run session yesterday at Absolute, sitting at a 5/10 shorthanded table. It's been quite awhile since I've played that site, but, in short, good lord. Previously I'd just ground out bonuses at 1/2, never even observing higher limits. I imagine it was just a strange cosmic alignment of unseen forces, but one of the players in the game I sat yesterday was, hands down, one of the worst players I've seen in quite awhile. He kept misreading the board, in addition to getting his panties in a wad because he was certain that he should have split the pot twice with his smaller flush, since, you know, a flush is a flush, even if the other guy has the A of the suit and you only have a 4 of the suit. And no, he honestly wasn't being sneaky and building a table image. He'd call pre-flop with any two cards and call all the way to the river, at which point he would only fold if he completely missed; if he had a pair of any sort, he'd call the river, too. He never raised. Not once. He never folded pre-flop. Not once. I watched him burn through about $750 in the half hour or so he played before leaving.

I just can't, for the life of me, imagine the circumstances that would lead to someone that bad playing 5/10 shorthanded on Absolute. Party, maybe, sure, due to their advertising and wider reach. But how in the world do you wander into Absolute and, for kicks and grins, decide to play 5/10, when you barely know how to play to begin with? Craziness...